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Rainbow Writings(Blogs)

Journey

Written by krisjames

I'm begining my journey of exploration. Seperating my identity from my sexuality. I've met so many queens and MTF...but what about in reverse? Would love to find more to share my journey with. Thanks!

Just to say

Written by TheUnwrittenChapter
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I know I'm not a bad person, everyone has their faults, issues, situations in life. Sometimes, I can't help but get caught up in my head, in my own world of problems and issues. So people harp on me for it. Say I'm always a victim, immature, need to grow up. I don't hear it often, but when I do it hurts the same. The worst part is, I never hear sorry. I'm always the first to sincerily apologize if I've hurt someone....but I'll never hear those words out of their mouth.

Sorry for breaking your heart

Sorry for not being a good friend

Instead I hear

Sorry you're such an idiot

sorry you're so immature

sorry but you annoy me

sorry but I don't like your attitude

 

I ask is it me? Then again, I know that there will always be people in the world who don't like you. Always someone who doesn't want to be your friend or get to know you. And I can't push it on them. I can't change there mind on what they think of me. I can't convince them otherwise that all I was trying to do was to be their friend. But if you have to try so hard to win someones favor...are they really worth it?

What kind of a person am I to cower down and believe what they call me and say about me. What kind of person am I to let myself fall even more because one out of every 20 people doesn't like me? Why do I care so much. And why can't they listen and understand me.


I hate when people can't look past themselves to understand another point of view. Where there word is the only one that can be right. I have never encountered so much greed and selfishness. And when people call me selfish I have to remind myself that there are at least 10 other people that will stand and point out exactly how wrong they are about me...even if I can't stand in my own defense.

So why do I even care what they think?

They are nothing to me. I have my wife, I have friends, I have family...and something they will never, never, never have. I have my life. I have my future. I have the joy of knowing I am going to be someone incredible and amazing one day. I have the knowledge of knowing I don't have to stay where I am but I choose to. I have the ability to be kind and open hearted even to those who hurt me. And while so many say I just wear my heart on my sleave, I am the only one of my kind who is always honest about my feelings and emotions and has enough strength to love and forgive and forget. I mean, that's the way God made me. That's the way I am. I should be...and will be ...proud, forever of who I am.

I just have to remember to not let anyone or anything knock my spirit down.

Statement of Self

Written by Laurie Homan
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Once upon a time, I ran through grassy fields, feeling the warmth of God's hand on my skin. The light encouraging, the touch a gentle caress.
I had no desire for shadow or shade, trees were made to climb.

Living to learn and experience more, I picked up seeds along the way. Too busy and moving too often,
I would carry them with me, but never planted them.

Thinking life was what you made it, I did everything, finding safety in motion and slowed down only long enough to pick a new direction,
Too busy to sit still, I only ended up chasing my tail.

One day I found myself standing still, not by choice, but through circumstances. The sun no longer gentle had sent me away
into the shadows to sit and wait under a tree.

My heart ached with the loss of warmth and light. Eyes burning with tears, legs weak from grief, despairing of ever feeling God's touch and light on me again, I sank down to my knees and cried.

Tears drying, I looked around and to my surprise found the light peeking through the shadows at me it beckoned to the seeds I had been carrying
and encouraged them to grow.

A gentle breeze came by and kissed me on the cheek, stroking my hair back causing me to smile. It was then that I discovered that
Life is not in what you doing, It is in who you are Being!
________________________________________________
I have experienced a very eclectic life journey - before becoming disabled I worked as a: waitress/legal secretary/factory worker/Special Ed. teaching assistant/short order cook/Lay Pastor/National Karate Champion/customer service rep/police officer/musician/artist. I have survived incest and sexual abuse, I have survived becoming disabled. I have done many things but who I am is a disciple of Nichiren Buddhism; I am an artist whose art is as eclectic as my experiences, I am a writer.

 

Breaking the Silence Now

Written by Laurie Homan
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Breaking the Silence Now

 
by Laurie Homan on November 23, 2010
 

Breaking Silence

 

 

I’m afraid, I did not see you coming, in the dark, doing things you should not.

 

Granddad don’t you touch me! Grandma don’t you see it? Don’t you see what

Granddad’s doing to me?

 

You left me in my blood

                        And in my shame

                                                Always coming back

                                                                        Again and Again

 

And Jesus said,

                        “Bring all your children to me. Leave them their childhood

  And loving purity

 

Do not hinder them, for my Kingdom is for them

                        Do not bar their way.”

 

I was just a child, hiding from those people, family; needing to be cared for

 

Daddy don’t you touch me! Momma, can’t you see it?

Don’t you see what’s happening to me?

 

You left me in my blood

                        And in my shame.

                                                Always coming back

                                                                        Again and Again

 

I never knew God could hear me crying,          

Silent scream, Jesus can you stop it?

Why is this happening to me?

                       

Was it my fault? I was just a child. Am I still to blame?

 

No, I shout! What they did was wrong. Yes, they stole my youth and innocence,

But I will carry on! I will break the Silence; and share my story so all will know:

They didn’t win and the shame was never mine

                                                  And it's not yours either. 

 

I will stand tall and proud, raising up and shouting loud,

“Truly, I have survived and I know you can, too!”

Spiritual Growth

Written by Laurie Homan

Spiritual Growth

by Laurie Homan on December 27, 2010
 

Spiritual Growth
 

In life, advancement in spiritual growth is made through the discovery of certain Truths: Personal Truths and Universal Truths. The first step would be to discover as many Personal Truths as possible about oneself. One such truth, in my case, was the discovery and ownership of my sexuality as a gay woman. Another truth was the acceptance and ownership of being raped as a child, then gaining the knowledge to release the rights and restrictions of remaining a victim.
Personal Truths must be in alignment with Universal Truths, never in opposition. A Universal Truth I discovered was present in this quote:
One night I slept and dreamt that life was all joy;
I awoke and discovered life was but service,
I served and discovered service was joy.
Unknown
Another Universal Truth was given to me through therapy and I call it the Butterfly story:
A man was walking down the street one day and saw a butterfly struggling to get free of it’s cocoon. He felt sorry for the butterfly, reached down, and released him from the cocoon. He watched as the butterfly tried to flap its wings, but instead, watched it die on the sidewalk before him. This upset the man and he picked up the butterfly and brought it to a friend who was knowledgeable about such things and asked what could have happened. His friend responded by telling him that the butterfly needed to struggle from it’s cocoon in order to develop the strength to fly; by robbing the butterfly of it’s struggle, he made it too weak to live.
An understanding of the way in which these two Universal Truths interact is of the utmost importance because they must never contradict one another. Bluntly put, it must be understood the Service must never rob anyone of the necessary struggles, which are Essential to a healthy, happy life.
Awareness of Truths is only the first step, and it’s the easiest. Understanding and true acceptance of the fact that we serve no one when we rob anyone of a necessary struggle is a difficult skill to obtain and properly execute. This, along with total ownership of other Truths, is a Journey that is intended to take a lifetime

What Kind of Lesbian Am I?

Written by Laurie Homan
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Sometimes I find it hard to understand just what is expected of me in this new ‘gay friendly’ country of ours. Is there really a definable label for me?I’ve been considered ‘butch’ by some because I was always athletic, a ‘tom-boy’. I competed and won National and State karate tournaments. I was employed in jobs normally held by men. But, I have also been considered ‘fem’ by those that knew me when I was a teacher’s assistant, waitress and legal secretary.So is it what I do that defines my label? I wonder if I’m defined by the clothes I’m wearing, which is always changing, depending on what I’m doing or how I’m feeling? I’ve worn dresses for work as well as pants and uniforms; I’ve even been known to wear a dress for the sole purpose of shocking the people who swore I’d never do it.My first love was a stone butch and wanted to be referred to as he. I was a survivor of incest and molestation so the last thing I wanted was a ‘man’. I was happy being gay. I didn’t want to pretend we were straight so I refused to call her, ‘he’. It was a source of many arguments. She also wanted me to get pregnant so we could have a baby together but again, I refused. Hell, I was only 18 years old and working two jobs because she didn’t work one! I still fail to see how that made me a bad ‘fem’, but it did cause the end of our relationship. (She found an older woman who already had children; a true fem. But was miserable for years).My next girlfriend didn’t fit neatly into either category; she wasn’t a butch or a fem. My ex always called her a fruit-loop. When I first met my girlfriend, I was a cop, so I people generally assumed I was butch, but I’ve never wanted to be called ‘he’ and I didn’t have the ‘male brain’, which I believe is a necessary part of being butch; although it did take me many years and a reunion with my first lover to finally understand it. My first lover definitely had a woman’s body, but absolutely doesn’t have a woman’s mind.So maybe the label has nothing to do with the kind of job that I have or what kind of clothes I’m wearing. It doesn’t even matter who I love. The truth is that the label I choose needs to reflect my own inner state of mind; a statement of my own inner awareness.When I was 16, I embraced my awareness of being homosexual. I never wanted to hide in a closet; I was overjoyed to know who I was. It was not an acceptable lifestyle then and it’s not much better now.I’d like to share what I believe to all the young people that are struggling with their identity. I practice Nichiren Buddhism (the kind of Chanting that Tina Turner learns in the movie, "What's Love Gotta Do With It"?) and have studied many religions and beliefs. I am a student of Sylvia Browne and Rosemary Altea. I have personally experienced and done many things. I believe we live many lives; sometimes we’re women and sometimes we’re men. There is nothing wrong or bad about homosexuality. Regardless of what some people, politicians, religions or even parents say; you are a Buddha! The Mystic Law of Life dwells within you. Just remember the Law of Cause and Effect has tremendous power in this world and you can realize your dreamsSo what kind of lesbian am I? I am a woman, confident in my nurturing nature, strong in faith and action, and a life-long lover of women. I label myself a Rainbow Warrior – a Bodhisattva of the Earth!Nam myo-ho renge kyo!

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