Sometimes...I just want it so bad

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Posted by TheUnwrittenChapter in Rainbow Writings(Blogs) on January 18, 2010  |  0 Comments More from this author  |

Sometimes it just feels like my wheels are spinning in circles and the car isn't moving anywhere. Like it's just stuck in the park position. I know I have so much potential...but I still feel like I have so much to prove. I went to Church today hoping I could find an answer. Hopeful that God would speak to me and let me know the exact path I should go. Though I feel like I have a few more answers I still feel a bit sad and lost.

I don't understand. I am both excited and worried at the same time. Excited for the future but yet worried because it seems like it's just a dream and it will never happen. I second guess and doubt myself too much I think. Some people say that I am happy in being miserable but that's not true. I think, I've been stuck and confused for so long that I don't know any other way to be sometimes. I try not to stay in the past. I see things that remind me of my past and certain things make my heart jump because I miss the people. but I always tell myself I can't allow anything from my past or it will effect my future. Instead, I find myself in this perpetual circle of not allowing but wondering, and then it affects it anyway.

Then they say I'm a dreamer. I have so many goals and ideas and hopes. But people say that I must follow them first and spend time doing their work because they've been there and they know it will not work and that I can learn from them. But I don't like who they are or who they have become. Why can't I just do it for my own? Because I don't have the confidence. I'm afraid, afraid to fail, afraid to look like a fool, afraid of rejection. I am too scared to have confidence to move forward on my plans...but yet something in me keeps trying. I don't know if it's because I don't give up easily or if it's because I still have faith. But I try.

My girlfriend sometimes feels like the only reminder here on earth that I have to keep pushing on. I have my friends...but everyone has their own lives. I never did learn how to balance. So I am grateful for the few friends that I do have who continue to remember me. I love them more than they will ever know.

Perhaps now, it's just the sleep talking. I just want things to work out. To be better this year. I want to be what I have the full potential to be.