Sometimes I find it hard to understand just what is expected of me in this new ‘gay friendly’ country of ours. Is there really a definable label for me?I’ve been considered ‘butch’ by some because I was always athletic, a ‘tom-boy’. I competed and won National and State karate tournaments. I was employed in jobs normally held by men. But, I have also been considered ‘fem’ by those that knew me when I was a teacher’s assistant, waitress and legal secretary.So is it what I do that defines my label? I wonder if I’m defined by the clothes I’m wearing, which is always changing, depending on what I’m doing or how I’m feeling? I’ve worn dresses for work as well as pants and uniforms; I’ve even been known to wear a dress for the sole purpose of shocking the people who swore I’d never do it.My first love was a stone butch and wanted to be referred to as he. I was a survivor of incest and molestation so the last thing I wanted was a ‘man’. I was happy being gay. I didn’t want to pretend we were straight so I refused to call her, ‘he’. It was a source of many arguments. She also wanted me to get pregnant so we could have a baby together but again, I refused. Hell, I was only 18 years old and working two jobs because she didn’t work one! I still fail to see how that made me a bad ‘fem’, but it did cause the end of our relationship. (She found an older woman who already had children; a true fem. But was miserable for years).My next girlfriend didn’t fit neatly into either category; she wasn’t a butch or a fem. My ex always called her a fruit-loop. When I first met my girlfriend, I was a cop, so I people generally assumed I was butch, but I’ve never wanted to be called ‘he’ and I didn’t have the ‘male brain’, which I believe is a necessary part of being butch; although it did take me many years and a reunion with my first lover to finally understand it. My first lover definitely had a woman’s body, but absolutely doesn’t have a woman’s mind.So maybe the label has nothing to do with the kind of job that I have or what kind of clothes I’m wearing. It doesn’t even matter who I love. The truth is that the label I choose needs to reflect my own inner state of mind; a statement of my own inner awareness.When I was 16, I embraced my awareness of being homosexual. I never wanted to hide in a closet; I was overjoyed to know who I was. It was not an acceptable lifestyle then and it’s not much better now.I’d like to share what I believe to all the young people that are struggling with their identity. I practice Nichiren Buddhism (the kind of Chanting that Tina Turner learns in the movie, "What's Love Gotta Do With It"?) and have studied many religions and beliefs. I am a student of Sylvia Browne and Rosemary Altea. I have personally experienced and done many things. I believe we live many lives; sometimes we’re women and sometimes we’re men. There is nothing wrong or bad about homosexuality. Regardless of what some people, politicians, religions or even parents say; you are a Buddha! The Mystic Law of Life dwells within you. Just remember the Law of Cause and Effect has tremendous power in this world and you can realize your dreamsSo what kind of lesbian am I? I am a woman, confident in my nurturing nature, strong in faith and action, and a life-long lover of women. I label myself a Rainbow Warrior – a Bodhisattva of the Earth!Nam myo-ho renge kyo!
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